Let’s be honest for a moment:
I’ve put on a few pounds this year. I’m totally disappointed in myself. Hurt. Thinking negatively about this journey, these ups and downs. Lately, the trend has been steadily “up” and not in a good way.
Today, I threw out some sugar that has been lurking in the house for a few days – even just knowing it’s there has been like a mental itch. Total trigger. Extremely dangerous. If Lisa hadn’t been home, I would have eaten in secret. I’m admitting this. Dragging it out into the daylight. Exposing it for what it is takes away its power.
I did something else today. Finally updated my weight on MyFitnessPal. Up 9lbs since the last time I weighed in July. Up 14lbs since January. I’m not proud. Quite the contrary. I’m ashamed. And I’m ashamed to admit it in this public forum. But this is the place I chose to celebrate both my triumphs and defeats.
I said in the very beginning that it ain’t always pretty, but it is mine – and I accept it. I accept every bit of me, even the fucked up pieces that don’t make sense. The pieces that no one outside of my head will ever understand. The pieces that encouraged me to ballloon up to 312lbs in what now feels like a past life.
So today – with total reverence for my past – I sever my connection to it. I move forward with pride, with humility, with integrity, with honesty.
Today I measure portions and track my intake. Today I weigh 216.6 lbs.
Today I’m ready to move forward. I’ve already logged my breakfast.
(Now I’m off to the chiropractor to see about this tweak in my lower back.)
What will you do today?